A story of the Lonely

it’s hell week and im starting to feel a bit nervous but i know that i can make it. i know that i can pass all my subjects this semester. it’s not aeven an option. it is a fact. i know that if i make this a mind over matter thing then i will be able to do what i want.

however, there are certain things that bother me. and i look at this computer and stare and think and wish that i could blanked out. one of these things is the fact that i can’t seem to find any part of my system that compliment my course. i feel that i am the only student in class who doesn’t deserved to be in it. maybe i’m just feeling this way because i seem to have no content in waht i do no matter how hard i try. but people around me are trying so hard to convince me that im not that bad an architecture student and that is agood thing. im just wondering why i suddenly felt this way because i never felt this way before. maybe it’s because of my architecture professor. my design teacher. she makes me and several of my classmates feel that we do not deserve to be in her design class. i hate her attitude. because she’s trying to discourage us. maybe im just paranoid or im just feeling this because im anxious. oh, well. i just hope that people who are making me feel better by telling me that im good at this thing will be successful in doing so. otherwise, i’ll be like the other architecture students who get so discourage and bored with this and flunk.

the second thing that is bothering me is the fact that i can’t seem to untie knots that i need to untie. and i can’t seem to feel sad with certain things that i need to forget. i know in life we need to do things whether it’s bad or good and learn from these things. but on the process of learning is the fact that we need to face the thruth that we realy did something, i won’t say wrong, i’de rather  say unconscious mistakes.

and facing these mistakes is a so turbulent. it struggles me. and most all of the time i wake up in the evening and realize that im not in the spot that i want to be. and then sometimes when i walk in the pathwalk, once in a while i stop and realize that im with a person whom i can’t defend and whom i am not able to say to the world that i am with. and the dreaded thing that i usually experience is when reading a certain book or a studying and then spacing out and then crumpling my face because i realize that i had made several mistakes in my decisions that i can no longer take back.

lately, when i met my old friends (my long time tabletennis friends), i suddenly remembered who i am and who i want to be then. i suddenly remembered the real rose. the rose that was not reinvented in UP.and then i’de sigh at night or even cry because i can longer be that person because i had already reinvented myself.

and i wish that i had the same goals and the same likes and the same principles in life then. when i did not think of being an adult. i wish i had that understandng then when i can look at my mom and my dad and my sisters like they were saints. but then i’de be face with the fact that in life there are certain things that need to be change and that there are certain people that we need to meet and decide wheter to keep him or her or not.

i know, that once we meet someone, there is this choice whethe he or she was better than the other acquaintances or not. and you can choose to keep him or her or you can choose to be reminded of people you had forgotten because of him or her or you can choose your the previous people who you know

but sometimes, the process of these things take time. and sometimes, the irony of it is when you finally realize which one was worth keeping, it’s when this person also decides not to keep you.

life is so confusing. and i won’t say we have to deal with it cause it’s cliche.