A story of the Lonely

ever had a friend that you really want to kill because of her character but you just can not do t because she has been your leech ever since you had your college life? i really want to put a knife on his throat and watch the blood drip from his mouth sometimes especially when she starts to be really annoying. but then, i just can not help it but be a good christian and be with her most of the time.

I hate her and I hate myself for being with her even if i hate her. i hate tolerating her but then i tolerate her every move. and it kills me becaue everything she says are save in my fuckin head. and i just wish she just shuts up and tries to evaluate what she says before talking just to be damn sane sometimes!!!

my god!, why is she like this? why is she so damn conceited even if she’s so damn not ment for it. and why does she keep on evaluating me and trying hard to know me like she does know me!!

fucking ass!!

just this morning, i had a chance to open my email and i was shocked by an email from jeejay, mebuyan peace project..i so love them and in fact i am their groupie..just could not imagine one of them emailing me…whaaaat!!

there are certain things that people should not hear in order to preserve oblivion because once oblivion is torn apart, doubt starts to contaminate the brain like virus eating it. and doubt is the deadliest thing that can break down even the hardest mineral on earth.

there is no more remedy for doubt, only computers that collect your memory and erase it in some getto place where kate winslet went can erase doubt.  if only these computers exist, people would not have ended up in separate beds and giving out harsh words to each other..

but then, the only thing that makes life exist are memories..and if these memories are erased with the desire to erase doubt..then people might not exist at all…

it is better to doubt than to not exist in memory..

    every relationship are ment to end.. i am not being pessimistic here but that is just how it is. even friends end up apart, we may still be communicating but we end up far from each other. in a worst scenario, a relationship  maybe to the opposite sex or the same sex always end up in break ups and even if we say we should last until for ever, at the back of our minds, there is the understandable reality that someday these feelings may not be the same.

   but the assurance of security through words like "i want you to be my wife and i’ll be really unhappy if we break up or i can no longer meet someone like you in a life time" are important even if they stay meaningful by just a stint of a second. these are big words that cover up our fears of loneliness and assure us that in this point in time, we can no longer be lonely.

    but we know these words are mere romantic obligations that each partner says to make each one feel better. and they don’t really last till the end. in other words, these words are ment to be lies and mere lies. but we should always believed in these lies to be able to survive insanity and paranoia, otherwise, if we see everthing as what it seems, we end up living a life of pure hell.

    this is the reason why heavens were created by creative minds, for us to believe a lie that a certain endless happiness, assurance and security exists..

    so stay believing in lies even if you know that in the end , its always the dead end.