Hallelujah by jeff buckley started my day right today..after dreaming of death, I instantly listened to Jeff Buckley and suddenly, the color of my life sinematography went into full contrast! the lights were so bright as warm bright like the sun beside mercury and the darkness were as cool as the dark colored sky after a rainy mist..
Lacrimosa, spare me, I am in love this song by regina spector. We keep on unburying our dead, we keep on planting their bones on the ground, but yes, they won’t grow, well, if only death was just a disease and there was something to prevent it, we would not have the urge to unbury the dead in the first place.
I dreamnt about death last night. When I woke up, pillow was full of tears. I honestly do not believe in dreams and their meanings but the dream was really horrible and it was as if life was no use at all because we all die anyway.
And it was as if the dreams were the reality and the reality we live in were just dreams..but then in my dream, death still exist and it was as if their was no prevention for death at all.
Spare me, if only we could unbury death and be happy. like how we unbury memories after realizing that they were worth keeping than burying deep down into the core of the earth……
And this time, I realize that sometimes emotions are more physical than the physical…..so spare me!
I am a certified movie addict. I even choose films over studying for an exam in integral calculus. and I read books that make me really cynical alot. I am an addict to these things because they create a new world for me; a world where I could see the real interpretation of life. When I read about Holden Caulfied’s lifestory and how he saw that every titsy bit of everything is just some lame phony thing we only tend to believe, he instantly became my hero and I instantly believed in him and every phony detail he said.
When I saw the movie "The city of Gods", I was convinced that every slum area has its own city of god and that I was not supposed to go those places because in fact, I am not one of those riot prone type of a person and I was not born in slums.
But then I still went to this kind of paradise in Davao even though my friends totally dicourage me and my partner from going, which made it even tempting; tempting like the things we do went our parents and all the ads say "don’t"; like a smoke of cigarette and a drink of a beer or a taste of a strangers juicy lips.
When I went to Bucana, it was everything that I imagined it to be. It had gangsters and smell of pot and smoke and all the illegal things I could see in exagerated mainstream films and although some would protest, in Independent films as well.
But I went their anyway like a Holden, in a phony blanket smiling at those wolves. I even went to the place where every killings and riots happen and I realized that this place wasn’t new to me. I had read this and saw this in every film that I saw and book that I read and every single step and motion and even in dance that I made.
It was just the same phony and exagerated and stereotype facade that we all have and had and will have because Bucana reminds me of reality and how sad life is without it!
after all, it is Buca na!
ever had a friend that you really want to kill because of her character but you just can not do t because she has been your leech ever since you had your college life? i really want to put a knife on his throat and watch the blood drip from his mouth sometimes especially when she starts to be really annoying. but then, i just can not help it but be a good christian and be with her most of the time.
I hate her and I hate myself for being with her even if i hate her. i hate tolerating her but then i tolerate her every move. and it kills me becaue everything she says are save in my fuckin head. and i just wish she just shuts up and tries to evaluate what she says before talking just to be damn sane sometimes!!!
my god!, why is she like this? why is she so damn conceited even if she’s so damn not ment for it. and why does she keep on evaluating me and trying hard to know me like she does know me!!
fucking ass!!
just this morning, i had a chance to open my email and i was shocked by an email from jeejay, mebuyan peace project..i so love them and in fact i am their groupie..just could not imagine one of them emailing me…whaaaat!!
there are certain things that people should not hear in order to preserve oblivion because once oblivion is torn apart, doubt starts to contaminate the brain like virus eating it. and doubt is the deadliest thing that can break down even the hardest mineral on earth.
there is no more remedy for doubt, only computers that collect your memory and erase it in some getto place where kate winslet went can erase doubt. if only these computers exist, people would not have ended up in separate beds and giving out harsh words to each other..
but then, the only thing that makes life exist are memories..and if these memories are erased with the desire to erase doubt..then people might not exist at all…
it is better to doubt than to not exist in memory..
every relationship are ment to end.. i am not being pessimistic here but that is just how it is. even friends end up apart, we may still be communicating but we end up far from each other. in a worst scenario, a relationship maybe to the opposite sex or the same sex always end up in break ups and even if we say we should last until for ever, at the back of our minds, there is the understandable reality that someday these feelings may not be the same.
but the assurance of security through words like "i want you to be my wife and i’ll be really unhappy if we break up or i can no longer meet someone like you in a life time" are important even if they stay meaningful by just a stint of a second. these are big words that cover up our fears of loneliness and assure us that in this point in time, we can no longer be lonely.
but we know these words are mere romantic obligations that each partner says to make each one feel better. and they don’t really last till the end. in other words, these words are ment to be lies and mere lies. but we should always believed in these lies to be able to survive insanity and paranoia, otherwise, if we see everthing as what it seems, we end up living a life of pure hell.
this is the reason why heavens were created by creative minds, for us to believe a lie that a certain endless happiness, assurance and security exists..
so stay believing in lies even if you know that in the end , its always the dead end.
it is so amazing to have real friends who would really carry everything just so that you would not get hit by the train or by a nimbus cloud. i have so many friends like that. it s amazing to be the priority of people even if sometimes i neglect them.
i just heard a really amazing news from my friends. it was the kind of news that if i had heard last summer, i would have ended up miserble up unitl now and i would have forgotten that their where better fish to fry that plain old athletes.
yes, my friends told me the news with perfect timing but i am not goinf to tell what the news was. im sorry because it was the kind of news that would put my ego back to the grave like a sunken ship.
well, i was just thankful that i knew about it this christmas. although it brought flashes of memories and depressing moments to my head, i was just happy that i had somebody. somebody that would carry me back to the ship and even put me in an island where i could eat lots and lots of fruits and drink lots and lots of alcohol like johnny depp.
but honestly, the news was an iceburg. i almost choke to death when i heard about it.
but then evrybody gets choke anyway
when i was still very very young at the point in my life when christmas really ment something, my mom used to prepare braso de mercedes at our dinner table for the holidays. i used to really liked it because it smelled like fresh fried eggs at breakfast. breakfast with eggs cooked in variations like a day in school meeting new people with different personalities. i did not think that way at that time but i figured out that eggs might be something that could make me a little smarter because of all the compliments i get from sister Marilou in my Science class. yes, yes, braso de mercedes was a culimination of all the egg breakfast i ate for the year and it really ment something.
the last time i ate braso the mercedes was in my 5th grade. ever since, mommy had stopped preparing the cake and christmas never turned out so great.
we always had horrible fights during christmas. somehow, someone alwasy gets the nerve to feel bad during the season. in went on for years. and years. and years as if our lives were doomed to be horrible!
in fact, i almost forgot how happy the season was. i almost forgot that we were suppose to just forget about how narcissistic each member of the family was. i forgot that we all should have just listen to each other and sigh and gulp at whatever horrible and bad comments each one makes just so that we could have a peacefull celebration even for just a second or too.
but then the curse of the missing braso de merceded went on and on..
there was even one time that even the bakery shopped stopped preparing braso for us. i could feel it. my sister and i went all over downtown just so we could buy the cake. but all of the bakery stopped baking it for the year.
we were really miserable..
(i am happy with tears and afraid that you might think i am so flaky with this things but….) Last christmas, my sister finally bought the braso merceded cake. i never really realized how calm and peacefull our christmas was this year. it just so happen that no one got depressed and no one cried that night! it was something strange and extraordinary…..and just that finally the curse of the braso mercedes was over!
what happens to a person when she gets bored. when there seems to be nothing going on in a hour or two in her life and everything seems like a whole pocket of boredom. this is what is happening to me right now..i have a class until 5:30 but the teacher decided to end it at 4:30 and instead of getting a ticket to be able to watch Antigong Agong, I am here in this corner in ILC watching my fingers touch the keyboards of th computer and forming rants and angst of how bored I am.
I am bored because I can see myself going home with all the lights still turn off waiting for my fingers to switch the buttons. I can imagine myself watching television and all the series there is even if I find them really awfull.
I am bored because I seem to find these days with alot of work to do a haven for me to get really lazy.
Boredom is killingme right now. See for yourself, it makes me do something out of schedule. I was suppose to do a letter for th office of student affairs and instead of doing so I am writing this stupid blog.
well, there are other things that kill me…like the fact that some people get to go to the mall everydat becaus there schools are near or beside malls..while I have to spend 25 minutes to SM..and 45 minutes to the mall. I hate the fact hat I live in Davao where all the places are sprawled..I wish I could go back to Dumaguete but then life sucks an I have to stay here in davao..
Wait, I think I was just saying this because of boredom…I know that I am starting to love Davao because Alvin is here and all.
Out of boredom, I am going to talk about my cute bf Alvin.
Yesterday, we were in the SanPedro street spec Dao Lila because he had matters to attend to. An i was on his side merely because I too had something to attend to which is to buy A3 paper for my class in Architectural Design. And so I watch him negotiate with the girl incharge and there where a bunch of stary eye gals on the other corner..
Well, what does a girl do when she sees her bf negotiating to a stary eyed sales lady while some starry chicks watch him do so….
Well, would you have to ask. I had two choices, whether to go to him and act like a paranoid bitch or to let him to his thing..so I went to the side and just watch him and the girls and I said to myself, well, what do we have here…I thought well, if I choose to be the bitch here, he would have ended up embarassing himself or have lost all the pogi points right?
and the pogi points is the most vital thing in this world. if those starry eyed girls see him with a bitch then well, they won’t catch up on a discount for him right?
I told him this after and he laughed and di the flattered attitude one does when one is complimented.
And I said, What does a girl do when she has a boy next door boyfriend….
I dunno, act like the obnoxious bitch or might as well, be the supported domestic and still a bitch..
